Monogene!

This is a very personal post, but I would like to share this with the world because I believe that others will relate and hopefully grow from my experience. I heard the word Monogene for the first time today on the gospel singing reality show Sunday Best, and it made me think of myself. I'm not sure if it's even positive or negative, but something about it touched me and made me want to post this...

The thing that's harder for me about practicing medicine than anything, is feeling like what and who you is so different that it couldn't possibly ever be good enough...

Just so people have an example, sometimes I have full conversations with people in Spanish, and I'll make one or two grammatical errors, like putting the wrong gender on a word, and the person I'm talking to will tell me, "You don't speak Spanish, huh?!?!" I don't know if I hold my face as if I'm confused, or if I give people blank stares, or what it is, but it's like, sometimes I just feel that some people, not most, but some completely misjudge me. It would be like me telling a healthy normal young person who locked their keys in their car once that they have dementia. It's like huh?!?!?! That's a gross overestimation of forgetfulness that anyone can see. You don't have to be a doctor to know that someone who forgot their keys doesn't have dementia. Imagine forgetting your keys one or twice and being told that you have dementia, and that'll kind of give you an idea of how I feel.

I am the only person in my family who has ever pursued higher education. My life makes simple questions like "Where do you live?" "What do your parents do?" and "How many siblings do you have?" "Where is your family from?" complicated. Of course people have no idea that they are complicated when they ask, but for me, they are. I feel uncomfortable around people because at any moment, I might get asked one of these questions. I don't know how to make small talk simple and be honest so I usually just simply my answers and say something that I know will be easy for the other person, even if it's not 100% accurate. Then sometimes I feel distant from my family too because I've lived away from them for so long, that sometimes we don't understand each other either. It's like being stuck between two worlds. It's rough...

Then being not only the only person who's a first generation college student, I'm also often times the only black person. I'm also usually the only person who's parents together gross less than $20,000 a year. I could go on, but I don't want to put my whole life on a blog. It's not just the material and educational things either. I feel different. I think different. I am different. I am truly an individual. I started to think maybe 10 years ago that I was an alien. I never felt like an alien growing up, but people would ask me how are you so different from your family? Where did you come from? Things that didn't make sense to me at the time, but somehow made me feel less human. I like to think that I'm a very confident person, but really, I have a deep deep inferiority complex. I know I am intelligent, capable, savvy, compassionate, empathetic, and overall just hard working and very HUMAN, but somehow I'm uncomfortable being successful. I have a hard time when people call me Dr. Dupree. Even after all these years of my patients in Cuba calling me Dr. Dupree, it just sounds wrong... I know I can do better to and for myself though, and I will! I deserve it!

For me, I know what I have to do is practice seeing myself as a successful person. Practice loving and accepting myself. I'm not perfect. But I am wonderful just because! I was born wonderful, and I deserve love and respect for being human and exactly who I am. It's hard to convince yourself of that when you're always being judged, misjudged, sized up, qualified, not qualified, and just spun through the ringer in "successful" America where difference is usually rejected. I want to encourage everyone out there to do the same. Visualize yourself as a leader! Power pose! Love and accept your talents!

I would like to hear from people who have felt the same way and what you did to fix it! People who know me know that I'm not a big blame placer and I'm very solution oriented, so I'd love to hear ideas about how to feel and be more than just scores, titles, status, income, etc, and how to love yourself despite all the worldly things that people use to decide your worth! I recently watched a TED talk about a woman who felt what I feel. And she actually dedicated her life's research to teaching people how to be more confident. Check her out because she's a cool chick! http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en